Lastly, I think it’s important for us as moms to realize that anger is often a secondary emotion. You can say, “I understand that you are angry about (fill in the blank), but we don’t (insert unacceptable behavior here) when we are angry.” Try to avoid telling your child to “calm down” or to say that they are overreacting - while acting out in anger is not okay, you want your child to know that feeling angry is okay. Instead of turning immediately toward defensiveness, remind yourself of Truth such as “I cannot control my child’s behavior,” or “this discipline is not working, I need to go at this from a different direction.” Remind yourself that your child’s anger is not actually about you. If you need to remove yourself from the situation, that’s okay, and sometimes it’s the very best course of action. As a mom, when your child becomes angry and acts out toward you, the best thing to do is to pause, to step away, and to take a minute to regain your composure. ![]() When your child wells up with anger, it’s very normal to become instantly defensive. Learning to identify these other emotions, to tolerate them and manage them successfully, will typically reduce anger and enhance anger management efforts as well.Dealing with anger is a fact of life when you’re a mom, no matter if it’s your anger or theirs that’s causing problems. Looking deeper, with skills that improve self-awareness, people who have trouble controlling anger will find a body of other emotional sates that can trigger anger and angry behaviors. ![]() As with icebergs in nature, the vast majority of it is submerged. Anger management classes that teach emotional intelligence will increase awareness of emotions and the body’s cues that accompany them.Īs awareness of the emotional experience grows, people with problematic anger will typically widen their awareness to include many other emotions that are related to and often underlie or support their anger.Īnger is considered to be the tip of an emotional iceberg for many. It also causes misinterpretation of others’ emotional cues. Their limited awareness prevents them from identifying the body’s signals and cues that alert us to the nature of various emotions. Many people who have trouble controlling their anger simply have a limited awareness of emotional states. There are more that support the notion that “being strong equals being angry or aggressive” and showing other emotions such as sadness, compassion, grief or fear is a sign of inferiority or weakness. “Big boys don’t cry” is an example of how men have been affected by traditional messages. Many of these have to do with the roles of men and women in our society. ![]() Additionally, there are many cultural reasons that individuals avoid certain feelings. Others have come to believe that certain emotions are signs of weakness or ‘breaking down’ and so efforts are made to avoid or suppress them. Some believe that other emotions such as grief, sadness and fear will be so overwhelming that they will not be able to cope with them. This can happen for a variety of reasons. They often seek to suppress other emotions and not let them be known to others. Additionally, people who have trouble controlling and often try to avoid feeling other emotions that are perceived as more painful. ![]() Many with anger problems are not as aware of other emotions as they are of anger. Typically, other emotions cause difficulty for these people as well. The emotion of anger is only the ‘tip of the iceberg’ for people with anger management problems.
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